Well

There are absolutely astonashing wonders in this world. Many things still to achieve, many feats still to be grabed. And yet, at certain times, it all feels so uselss, so pointless. It feels like there isnt any reason to achieve anything, to have anything. It is not that all is meaningless, it is that you feel meaningless, you feel as though you were born to be an outkast, to be looking at them, but not mantaining a healthy relationship with them. The feeling, that you are nothing, you are completely incompetent, is very vibrant. Then, when you feel this way, this type of way, most of the times you pause and recalibrate. You ask yourself several important questions, where the main one is, how the fuck did I got to this feeling once again, I must stop feeling like I am nothing, going into despair.

לעיתים קרובות, או רחוקות, ישנם רגעים של דכדוך עמוק. והשאלה המתבקשת היא למה, מה המנגנון הגורם לתחושה שכזו, מה גורם לצלילה פנימה, להתכנסות. אני מרגיש שאני חייב להגיע למימוש עצמי, אני צריך לקחת את עצמי בשתי ידיים, לבחור מה לעשות, ולעשות אותו - אבל להפסיק להיות בשוליים, להפסיק להיות OUTLIER. ישנו קושי ממשי להבין מה אני רוצה, באמת.

אני מרגיש שאני על המריצה שראיתי לפני מספר ימים, מה נקרא הHEDONIC TREADMILL. כל פעם אני "פותר" את הבעיות שלי על ידי דחיפה של איזשהו סוג של מוצץ שאמור כביכול להרגיע אותי, אבל כל מה שהוא עושה זה בעצם לטשטש אותי, וכשאני כבר מתעורר, התחושה מעוררת די הרבה חלחלה מבחינתי.

אוף, אני רוצה לצרוח לעולם - מרגיש חסר כישורים, חסר ידע, חסר כול - ומה שזה גורם לו זה דחייה מכל דבר שקרוב אליי - מה אני אעשה עם התחושות האלה - רק לדבר עליהן מלחיץ אותי - אלוהים אדירים.

מה אני רוצה לעשות? אני צריך כיוון? אני צריך MONEY MAKER ואני צריך להבין מה עושה לי טוב, וללכת בדרך הזו - כי כרגע הדברים לא מסתייעים לצערי.

אני לא יודע מה המטרה הבאה שלי. בוא ננסה לאתר את התחושות.

תחושה שעולה: חוסר יכולת ( Incompetence).מה שאני מרגיש זה שאני חושב - הממ אולי אעשה כך או אחרת, ואז מיד מתעורר בי שאין לי שום כישורים לעשות זאת.

תחושה שעולה: סקרנות עצומה. ממש בא לי לצלול למשהו שארגיש שיכול לקדם - או שאולי צריך לחשוב על זה שאני יכול לחשוב על משהו שמעניין אותי, ולחשוב איך הוא יכול לקדם אותי.

עוד תחושה שעולה: קנאה לאלו שמצאו את דרכם - ודרכם נראית לי בלתי מושגית. קנאה אולי אינו הניסוח הנכון של הרגש - אני יותר מרגיש הקטנה - תחושה של חולשה. שמחזירה אותי לתחושת חוסר היכולת. מה נקרא - מעגליות. פעם הייתי קורא במילון - אני עדיין מסוגל לעשות זאת. אולי שווה לי לפתוח בלוג?

אני צריך לעבוד כעת כדי להבין מה המטרה שלי - לפחות לזמן הקצר - ולהיות שלם איתה. מה נקרא - לעוף עליה.

מה האופציות שאני רואה לעצמי (אני תמיד כלוא בתת קב' של סט האופציות הכללי שקיים) -

I have a masters degree in economics, with a thesis. Im currently finishing my masters degree in linguistics, with a thesis as well. Im currently also a T.A in the linguistic departments, and was also a T.A at the economics department. Other than that, im a private tutor, teaching both singles and groups, either via zoom or at class. I also voulenteer with teenagers who are struggling in life, and I founded with two other friends a teaching center, which we currently trying to get our first customers to. Im also an avid reader of pretty much any topic, very interested in many things, including math and statistics and physics, though i dont have a very strong academic foundation in any of them besides a few courses. I also really like to train and im not afraid of big goals, im just struggeling to find one. In addition, if i divide the professional world onto two parts, where one is working for a company, and one is developing something of your own, im currently looking to pursue something on my own, though beside that center i just mentioned, which currently doesnt really have alot of traffic or students that sign in to, i lack any other ideas. I feel quite depressed from not having a direct goal in mind, because i feel very stuck as a result, that nothing im doing is beneficial for my future, and im still feeling very confused. Im quite against a 9-17 job, perhaps becuase i feel like im worth more than what I have on paper to present, and that ill start a 9-17 job which would meet my expectations or show my true skills, which i barely know what they are. In addition, im currently having a very flexibile schedule, and due to that im also afraid that my freedom will be taken away from me after starting to work in a 9-17. Overall, I basically only luminate this two options, either find a 9-17 or open something of your own, and im stuck between feeling incompetnece in the latter and being afraid from the former. To all of that I need to also add the fact that around me, people are developing, they are working towards their goals, or they at the very least have goals in mind which they can set themselves to. Feeling so confused, for such a long time, really get a guy both depressed, and feeling like people are looking at him in a certain way - Sort of a looser of some sort. It is a feeling of great despair because I do want to enjoy the little things, reading a book, or strolling, which I like very much, but at the same time, doing this without commiting to something more, feels like a waste of time - like everyone is working towards something, that in the future will be beneficial for them, yet Im here now, "enjoying" my time - and will pay for this in the future.

What makes you fullfiled in teaching ?

I enjoy the most from teaching is when I am able to take a complicated material, and break it down onto smaller pieces, and explain it to the student where he not only understand the answer or the concept, but is able to identify similar problems and have a solution to them in the future. Another thing I really enjoy from is the feeling that someone looks up to me - that Im an authority regarding the matter.

Okay, Ill tell you what currently excites me the most, and it is to create with a partner a startup. The topic does not really matter to me. what matters is feeling that it could work. earlier in the conversation i told you that i was working on a project, but it does not excite me that much because i dont feel that it could work, or at least that it could scale for now. I really have a lot of motivation to jump face forward to something and give it my all, but im afraid i either lack the basic knowledge, either enterpenurely or just simply dont have yet a solid ground in a topic i can come up an idea from. So, i feel confused and thinking maybe i need experience some where before i jump to something on my own.

Education realm:

Well, there are a few ones, divided to the teacher side, to the students side, and to both sides. First, regarding both side, the student can have a hard time "trusting" a teacher, and thus they do not know if the the private tutor is a good one or not, they have no credentials other than reviews from other students who may know you or you have seen online. Second, for teachers, its hard to do 3 things: first you may explain the same things to mutliple different students over and over. Second, you may teach something at the current moment, and not teach it for a few weeks or months, and then youll forget what you had. third, you give a class via zoom, than you have what youre saying and what youre writing in the ipad, but none of that get filed and used becasue it may be messy and not very clear whan youre not actually in the class. For the students, the cost of a private lesson is very big, and though there are so many other alternatives right now, nothing beats a person who can explain this to you and identify where youre struggeling and fit it for you. And all of that in addition to not having anything that personal to your needs. What i mean is - having an AI assistant for example, that understand based on your questions and mistakes, how you should be taught